Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
