I'm going to jail i love you
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
