I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
