I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
