Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
