I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
