Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
