I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
