that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
