People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
