you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
