so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
