my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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