I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
