with your own penis?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
