and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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