i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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