That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
