Already got asked if we're dating
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
