something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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