We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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