I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
