I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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