saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
