yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
