I never want to see another naked old woman again.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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