Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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