I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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