hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
