Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
