loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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