I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
