I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
