Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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