I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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