my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?