dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?