peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
