I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
