she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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