sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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