Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
