So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
