I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
