Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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