i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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