my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I could fuck to npr.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
