He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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