I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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