Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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