apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
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First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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