take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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