shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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