Redeem this text for a blowjob
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
