what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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