It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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