I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
