Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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